“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”
What is Shame?
Shame is a universal feeling. No one gets out of this world without experiencing it. However, shame is a really sneaky emotion and we often lack the language and understanding of how to describe it. Shame can be in the shadows of our depression and anxiety. It’s often the voice behind our negative thoughts about ourselves. This component of counseling can help you recognize and talk about shame, so that its power in your life decreases.
Shame develops young and often pops up at the most unhelpful times or when we take on a new role; partner, parent, employee/employer. Shame tells us that we are not enough. There’s a physical component to the emotion as well; a closing in. It’s deeper than guilt or embarrassment and can often lead us to withdraw or become reactive. This can disrupt our lives, keep us from connecting with others, and stop us from becoming the person we want to be.
Perfectionism is driven by shame. It’s this idea that with enough effort we can reach this ideal version of ourselves. The version that never lets anyone down, that can do it all, or that is the best __________. However, the human condition warrants that we are not perfect. Often in that space between our ideal self and our current self assessment lies criticism, anxiety, depression, and shame.
What is Self-Compassion?
Through self compassion, we learn a new way to respond to shame. We start to challenge the idea that our shame is giving us a clear picture of ourselves. We replace criticism with kindness. Self compassion gives our choice back.
There are strategies and skills that can help us better understand our shame story, how it was formed, and how to move through it. These strategies focus mainly on the teachings of Brene Brown and Kristen Neff, but also brings in elements of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Focus is given to identifying shame triggers, increasing empathy, creating critical awareness around how shame develops, how to connect with others when we are in shame, and how to speak our shame. The ability to own our story reduces the power shame can have in our lives.
If you are ready to do this hard/good work, and build your own resilience, contact me to schedule an appointment.