I’ve never been great with uncertainty. My anxiety really likes things to be predictable and to make sense. Uncertainty often projects our worst case scenario into the future and prompts fear to rise up. We begin to react to that projected future as if it’s definitely going to happen, even though we have no way to predict that. This causes us to feel anxious, overwhelmed, and scared in the here-and-now. 

Here are a few tips on how to manage uncertainty and reduce our fear:

1. Breathe: Fear activates our sympathetic nervous system. Our sympathetic nervous system is responsible for a lot of the systems in our body that occur without us having to think aobut them, including digestion, temperature regulation, heart rate, lung speed, and pupil dilation. Fear signals our body to be on guard, to defend ourselves, or get out of the situations. But unlike an actual here-and-now threat, our bodies are reacting to something that may or may not happen in the future. Taking intentional, deep breaths signals to the parasympathetic nervous system, the autonomic nervous system that promotes calm,  that it’s okay to relax. My new favorite variation is taking a deep inhale and then exhaling through your mouth as if blowing through a straw slowly. 3-4 rounds will bring down that nervous feeling. 

2. Ground: Since uncertainty often lives in the future, bing yourself back to the present by naming five things in the here-and-now. You can list items you see, hear, taste, touch, or smell. The simplest way to ground is just to notice your feet on the floor or the earth.

3. Control: Often uncertainty stems from something outside of what we can directly control. Taking out a piece of paper, draw a circle inside another circle. In the inside circle, make a list of what is within your control with this situation. In the outside circle, make a list of what you do not have control over. We only have agency or the ability to change the inside circle. Focus your energy there. 

4. Acceptance: Coming to terms with uncertainty, can aid in reducing our suffering in the moment. Acceptance does not mean we absolutely love what is going on. It simply means we’re acknowledging reality for what it is. Our inner monologue might sound like, “Okay, the doctor said I won’t have the result back until tomorrow. What can I do to support myself today?”

5. Speak: Tell a trusted person about your fear. Sometimes speaking this fear out loud can help our brain process it and challenge it in new ways. A trusted person can also help us “reality test” this projected future and may be able to point out aspects we had not thought about. 

6. Values: Reconnecting to what we value can help us reduce some of the fear for the future. This might mean connecting with friends and family, spending time on pleasant activities, or being creative. Coming back to what makes our life worth living in the here-and-now can refocus us. 

7. What Ifs: A simple cognitive reframe can start to imagine a different future. Asking “what if that didn’t happen?” or “What if the opposite of my fear happens?” can help us bring in other possibilities of what the future might hold. Sometimes bringing in the more hopeful projection can reduce our fears. 

To be human is to have uncertainty, but we can learn to respond with skills we develop rather than our gut reactions. Sometimes, uncertainty can feel so overwhelming that it’s hard for us to get out of it alone. If this is the case, it may be time to seek out a therapist to help. Therapy can be a great way to learn additional tools and tricks for managing the uncertainty in our lives.  

Maybe this is your first time considering therapy. Someone said something directly or indirectly and now you’re here trying to gather more information. Maybe you’ve tried it before, but your therapist wasn’t a good fit or it wasn’t what you expected. 

Starting therapy can be intimidating. As you begin this journey, I want to offer you some encouragement and insight. Here are the top 5 things I want you to know about therapy:

1. Therapy is a hard, brave choice. That nervous feeling you’re feeling? That’s so appropriate. It’s nerve-wracking walking into a room with someone you don’t know and sharing the vulnerable bits of your life. You want this to go well and you want to feel better and you want to be understood. It can also be anxiety provoking, because you’re not sure what you’re walking into. 

2. Consider the first session a meet and greet. The first session is a way for you and the therapist to get to know each other and see if it’s a good fit. You’ll likely discuss what brings you to therapy, a little about your background, and family history. Not every therapist is a good fit and that’s ok. I always encourage clients to advocate for what they need. Sometimes it takes a few sessions to build trust and get in the groove, but if you have a sense right away that this is not YOUR therapist, it’s okay to recognize that. 

3. You don’t have to know what you’re looking for. If you don’t really know what you’re looking for in therapy, that’s okay. The therapist and you will work together to explore the areas in your life that are and aren’t working. 

4. Therapy is for everyone.  Sometimes there’s this idea that we have to really be suffering or be “crazy” to seek out therapy. While people seek out therapy for lots of different reasons, it’s perfectly normal to participate in therapy for life betterment. Maybe you’ve noticed some communication patterns you want to change or a certain shame thought keeps popping up. These are great reasons to come to therapy. I wish more people would seek it out. 

5. Therapy is an investment in yourself, your relationships, and your future. The work you’re doing now is a step toward the life that you want. You have a chance to stop family patterns and chance unhelpful behaviors. The work you do now to better understand and cope with your emotional health can ripple out into all areas of your life.  

If you have questions or need an extra boost of encouragement, I offer a FREE 15 minute phone consultation. Call my office at 616-900-9600 and I would be happy to speak with you. Or complete the electronic form here.

Two year ago, I sat with my therapist talking about an aspect of a past relationship that I just couldn’t get over. I suspected that this concern was playing out in my present life and showing up in current relationships. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just “move on” from it and I certainly didn’t know how to change the almost involuntary thoughts and reactions that came up around it. I felt really stuck. 

My therapist noted that she had just learned a new technique called brainspotting and asked if I wanted to try it. She explained that it came out of the EMDR tradition, which we had already used to process some concerns. Always game to find new ways of healing, I agreed. What followed was one of the wildest and most helpful sessions I had experienced in counseling. 

Within seconds of finding a brainspot, I started experiencing some involuntary body reactions; shaking, tearfulness, and muscle tightness. The immediacy of this emotional change took me off guard, but my therapist assured me this was natural. She explained that brainspotting often gets to some of the deepest and oldest parts of our brain; the ones responsible for everything our body does automatically. During this process, I noticed my brain whizzing around to different memories that all shared the same theme of my concern. My emotions would ebb and flow, like I was riding an emotional wave. Throughout the session, I noticed my activation level (the amount of emotional and physical discomfort I experienced) decreasing and, by the end, I noticed more calmness in my body. 

In our next session, my therapist followed up on the concern. To my surprise, I hadn’t really thought about it at all during the last week and when I tried to access it now, it didn’t really bother me. It amazed me that with just one session, my brain now held this concern differently. It didn’t cause me the same emotional distress and I didn’t feel any chest tightness when I thought about it. 

My own experience prompted me to seek out training in brainspotting. Throughout the course of training, I’ve had the opportunity to be the client multiple times. Some concerns are able to be cleared in one session, some need more, but I’m always amazed at how deep and helpful each session is. Whether it’s bringing down my physical reactions to a concern or helping my brain make new connections to other events, I always leave with a better understanding of myself. I’m pleased to be able to bring this skill to my clients in order to bring about greater understanding and healing. 

WHAT IS BRAINSPOTTING?

Brainspotting is a treatment method that works by identifying, processing, and releasing brain/body sources of emotional/body pain, trauma, dissociation, and a variety of other challenging symptoms to bring about more healing and wellness. Brainspotting is able to access the deeper parts of our subcortical brain, along with the nervous symptom, to clear some of the emotional energy of experiences that keep us stuck. Whether it’s a traumatic past experience, painful negative emotions, or even physical pain or sensations caused by something psychological, brainspotting can help you overcome it. 

HOW DOES BRAINSPOTTING WORK?

According to therapist and creator David Grand, the direction in which you look or gaze can affect the way you feel. To some extent brainspotting is a natural phenomenon most of us have encountered. Think about what happens when you try to remember an obscure fact or date, or when you’ve had a harder conversation in the past. Our eyes often drift to a specific location or “brainspot.” 

During brainspotting, a trained therapist helps you position your eyes in ways that help you target the source of a painful emotion, memory, or thought. With the aid of a pointer, the therapists slowly guide your eyes across your field of vision to find appropriate “brainspots.” These brainspots allow you to be more focused on the here and now of the brain/body connection. Brainspotting can access some of the deeper parts of the brain that traditional talk therapy cannot get to. 

WHAT IS A BRAINSPOTTING SESSION LIKE?

A brainspotting session is always collaborative. Once you’ve identified a thought, feeling, or behavior that you want to focus on, you’ll work together with your therapist to find a brainspot that creates some activation. The therapist will also be looking for reflexive cues that you may not even be aware of; this could be rapid blinking, swallowing, a tightening of the jaw, or change in breathing. Every client's experience is different. 

Once the brainspot is located, you’ll be encouraged to notice what's happening in your mind and body. Some clients process this out loud and some are silent. Clients have reported quick links of other memories, experiencing body sensations, imagery, or changes in emotional state. Experiencing some mental or physical discomfort can be normal during this process as we need to “feel it to heal it.” The therapist stays attuned to your emotional state and will help guide you through this. Most clients report a lower activation level at the end of a session, but some need multiple sessions to “clear” a concern. 

One thing that clients might notice is different with a brainspotting session is that the therapist is less likely to be directive or to point out any observed connections in what the client is reporting. In this way, the client’s brain is better able to make the necessary connections and insight with minimal interference. At the end of the processing, the therapist will leave time to debrief the session and discuss ways to support you between sessions. 

WHO CAN BENEFIT FROM BRAINSPOTTING?

Brainspotting is for anyone that feels “stuck” on a concern; for those that “just can’t get over it.” Brainspotting can be used for almost any concern you would bring to counseling, from a traumatic event to concerns around finances. The following list are some examples of concerns that brainspotting can help with: 

• All forms of trauma or emotionally charged experiences 

• Anxiety

• Anger management

• Grief

• Depression

• Relationship concerns

• Shame

• Impulse control issues

• Performance issues

Brainspotting can be a nice addition to traditional talk therapy or can stand on its own. If you are interested in seeing if Brainspotting could be helpful for you, please complete a contact form here.

To learn more about Brainspotting, check out some videos here.

To learn about Brainspotting Intensives go here.

We’re experiencing a collective trauma right now. Trauma is any distressing event that changes how we see ourselves, the world, and other people. If coming from a spiritual background, it can also change how we see God. This pandemic has left very few aspects of our lives untouched. It’s that undercurrent of stress that you may or may not be able to name. It shows up in our inner thoughts, in our relationships, and in our bodies. It changes how we feel and react, and affects all of us in both similar and unique ways. 

Here are some of the most common reactions you may be experiencing during Covid-19 and some tips on how to manage them:

Anxiety

Perhaps prior to the pandemic you noticed anxiety occasionally, but you were managing it as best you could. Then, the shutdown happens and now you notice a lot more worry. You’re checking your bank account, your food, and your social media a lot more often. You notice your thoughts are racing and you’re trying to figure out solutions to problems you don’t have control over. You’re more jittery and it’s harder to concentrate. 

Dr. Henry Cloud defines anxiety as the urge to control things that we can’t. Covid-19 has given us a lot that we can't control. Our brains want certainty and they will overthink themselves into trying to find a solution. To some extent all of us have experienced an increase in anxiety whether we notice it or not. Check in with your body. See where you’re holding tension and try to release that. Go for a walk. Talk to a friend. Try to find healthy ways to get the anxiety out. 

Anger

Man, are you irritated! The smallest, stupidest thing can set you off, like that dish which isn’t supposed to be there or your child saying “Mom” one too many times. You lose it a lot more often. You want to yell or run away. 

Anger is often an umbrella emotion; it covers a multitude of less noticeable emotions underneath. Maybe the anger is really sadness that this season didn’t turn out like you had hoped. Maybe it’s grief about the cancelled trip or the loss of financial security. Maybe it’s feelings of being scared that you won’t be able to cope much longer or your finances will be running out. When in a trauma reaction, we tend toward anger when it’s harder to feel our true emotions. Take some time to tune into what the actual feeling is and comfort that part of yourself. 

Sadness or Depression

It’s hard to get out of bed. You have minimal energy. Everything just seems hard. Maybe you’ve never had these feelings before. Or maybe, before the pandemic, you had figured out your go to coping skills for sadness, but since everything started those don’t seem to be working. You’ve also noticed that you're starting to think really mean thoughts to yourself. Ugh!

We’re in a really difficult time right now. You’re not alone in your feelings of days blurring together, feelings of helplessness, and disappointment. We have legitimate things to be sad about. A practice such as self-compassion can be a good tool to express kindness toward ourselves in the midst of this. 

Avoidance

You just want to sit down and zone out. One more show, one more picture, one more game. Anything that keeps you from thinking about what’s going on. 

To some extent, avoidance can be a survival mechanism. Maybe we don’t have the space or emotional capacity to deal with what’s going on in that moment. That can be okay. However, if the avoidance is never addressed that concern will often manifest in anger or anxiety. Take some time to journal what you are truly thinking and feeling or discuss these with a trusted friend or family member.

Sleep Disturbances

You used to sleep fine or at least good enough, but now you lay awake for hours. Your brain won’t shut off. Once you get to bed, you’ve been having more and more anxiety dreams. You don’t wake up rested. 

Anxiety usually chooses those moments when the body is trying to be still as a cue to work out all the problems of today and tomorrow. It can be really frustrating to feel physically and mentally tired, but still not be able to sleep. Before going to bed try limiting your electronics. Take a journal or piece of paper and write down all your concerns. Sometimes getting these out of your head, onto an external surface, can allow your mind the space it needs to rest. 

This collective trauma has left us feeling uprooted. Normal has changed and we’re left with figuring out how to exist in what is happening now. It’s okay to feel a variety of emotions. These reactions are not uncommon, but everyone does experience them in their unique way. If you need support during this time, counseling can be a great space to process and build resilience. I’ve only been able to share some basic coping skills, but in counseling you can learn more, specific to your needs. For more information contact me here. 

Mental Illness is the greatest unrecognized storyteller of our time. Whole realities have been crafted by the stories depression, anxiety, and shame can tell. We arrange our days and lives according to these internal stories, but we’re often unaware that this is even happening. These stories are told in the background of our mind, in the voice of our own thoughts. They tell us about ourselves, others, and the world. These stories often go unnoticed and are therefore free to do as they please without being challenged. They thrive in the shadows. Noticing and naming them are what starts to bring these stories into the light, so that we can address them and move forward. 

When I started going to counseling in my early 20s, I became aware of how language can disrupt these unhelpful stories.The ending of a relationship drove me to find some sort of relief from my sadness and overthinking. If any of you have been to counseling, you may be familiar with the Thought Log from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This is a tool that helps bring awareness to the stories our thoughts are telling us. It slows the reaction process down, so can start to see what’s actually happening in our minds. This exercise literally changed my life. With my counselor’s help, we expanded my vocabulary to include words like anxiety, depression, and distortions. I began to increase my recognition of depressive and anxious thoughts and began to call them out. “Oh that’s depression right there.” Having that change in language moved me forward in my ability to manage my emotional health and ultimately led me to enter the counseling profession. 

Language is a powerful tool. A simple word change, punctuation addition, or tone can change meaning. It’s what changes “Let’s eat, grandpa” versus “Let’s eat grandpa”. Punctuation can potentially save lives! There is a phrase used in the clinical community: name it - tame it. It’s the idea that if we don’t know what we are dealing with, there can be no change. It’s only when we assign language to it that we can do something about it. 

Here are some of my favorite adjustments in language that change the story:

Get rid of labels

Labels boil ourselves down to one or a few things. It takes the whole breath of who we are as a human and reduces us to one characteristic. 

“He’s bi-polar. She’s codependent. They’re just a depressed person.” 

Instead, changing the language slightly can adjust how we view ourselves or others. Using person centered descriptions puts the individual first and not the diagnosis or concern. 

“He is a person with bipolar disorder. She has some codependent habits. They’re a person managing depression.”

Develop an emotional and behavioral vocabulary

Identifying how we are using words can improve our understanding of our feelings and behaviors. Here are a few of my favorite definitions/explanations:

Anxiety: An overwhelming urge to control things that we can’t. (Dr. Henry Cloud)

Loneliness: Sadness due to feeling disconnected or unknown. 

Shame: The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. (Dr. Brene Brown)

Anxiety and Depression: Manifestation of unfelt feelings

Procrastination: The avoidance of anxiety in the moment.

Externalizing the feeling

See feelings as something outside of who we are at our core. 

I’m having an anxious thought. 

This is just my anxiety telling me…

My shame gremlins are trying to make me believe…

This is depression. This is anxiety. This is my bi-polar.

Helping others

Most of us have had an experience where someone brings us a situation and we can tell right away that they might not be seeing something clearly. Mental Illness takes how we see the world and shrinks it, so instead of taking in all the information we take in a small amount. That’s where we as loved ones can come in. When being a reality tester, we want to help bring in more information for the other person to consider, but we want to do this in an empathetic way. We can also practice this with ourselves.

“That may be true, but what’s a scenario that also might be true?”

“Is there a different way to see this situation?”

“If a friend was having this thought, how might you help them?”

“What story is anxiety/depression/shame trying to make you believe right now?”

The next time you notice an increase in distress, see if you can notice the story your mind is telling you. With practice, we can start to see these stories sooner and intervene. Counseling can be a good place to work these out. It took someone else, outside of me, to point out some of the unhelpful stories I wasn’t able to see. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is an evidence based intervention that explores these themes. If you are ready to explore and challenge some of your stories, please contact me here.

Facebook, Instagram, news articles and friends have a lot to say about how we should be experiencing this crisis. 

• You should know how to teach your children. 

• You should know how to balance working from home now. 

• You should have known that your job wasn’t secure. 

• You should have saved more money. 

• You should be more generous. 

• You should be able to handle your feelings. 

• You’re eating too much, or not enough, or the wrong types of food. 

• You’re not as active as you should be. 

• You are not enough! 

There is nothing like a new role or new situation to set off shame that we didn’t even know was there. 

Brene Brown, the foremost researcher on shame, defines it this way: “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.” Shame is a universal feeling - no one gets out of this world without experiencing it. Shame is a really sneaky emotion and we often lack the language and understanding of how to describe it. It can be in the shadows of our distressing feelings. It’s often the voice behind our negative thoughts about ourselves. Shame often whispers that you are failing or are not enough. 

The antidote to shame is self compassion. Self compassion calls shame out and shame cannot stand being recognized. It acknowledges the hurt shame causes, connects us back to the humanity of this experience, and then expresses kindness toward ourselves. Through self compassion, we learn a new way to respond to shame. We start to challenge the idea that our shame is giving us a clear picture of ourselves. We replace criticism with kindness. Self compassion gives us our choice back. 

Here’s the alternative truth of the moment: No one is getting this exactly right because none of us have had an experience like this before. We are going through a collective trauma. Everyone is going to cope with it differently. We’re all trying to do the best we can to survive, care for ourselves, and care for those around us. Remembering this truth can challenge shame’s story and allow us to bring in self compassion by giving ourselves grace. 

How to Practice Self Compassion (modified from Kristen Neff)

Name the shame and hurt 

There is power in naming our experience. It takes the shame out of the shadows and shame cannot survive in the light. Tell yourself or a trusted friend.

• “This sucks.”

• “This is a disappointment.”

• “I’m sad this has caused me to miss ….”

• “I’m scared.” 

• “I feel like I’m failing my kids.”

Recognize that shame is universal 

Shame thrives in disconnection. Shame wants you to believe that you are the only one with these worries or feelings. Self compassion helps us recognize that we are all feeling this.

• “I’m not alone in this.”

• “There are other people that feel this way.”

• “There’s someone in Canada/Italy/Egypt that feels this same way right now.”

• “We’re all trying to do the best we can.”

Express kindness toward yourself 

Self compassion gives us the choice of responding kindly to our pain.

1. “I’m doing my best and that is good.”

2. “May I be patient with myself?”

3. “”What do I need to hear from myself right now?”

4. “May I be kind to myself in this moment?”

5. “May I eat that extra piece of cake/watch that extra episode/sleep that extra hour?”

This is all new territory for us. We’re going to feel like we’re not doing it right or that we aren’t enough, but we are. We are going to get through this and this is not how things will always be. You have resilience and internal coping skills that you’re already using. 

If you need support in this time, whether to process through these shame messages, practice self compassion, or manage your stress, Whole Self Counseling GR is here to support you. Therapy can be a great way to speak shame in a safe way.