Self Compassion in the Midst of Covid-19
Facebook, Instagram, news articles and friends have a lot to say about how we should be experiencing this crisis.
You should know how to teach your children.
You should know how to balance working from home now.
You should have known that your job wasn’t secure.
You should have saved more money.
You should be more generous.
You should be able to handle your feelings.
You’re eating too much, or not enough, or the wrong types of food.
You’re not as active as you should be.
You are not enough!
There is nothing like a new role or new situation to set off shame that we didn’t even know was there.
Brene Brown, the foremost researcher on shame, defines it this way: “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.” Shame is a universal feeling - no one gets out of this world without experiencing it. Shame is a really sneaky emotion and we often lack the language and understanding of how to describe it. It can be in the shadows of our distressing feelings. It’s often the voice behind our negative thoughts about ourselves. Shame often whispers that you are failing or are not enough.
The antidote to shame is self compassion. Self compassion calls shame out and shame cannot stand being recognized. It acknowledges the hurt shame causes, connects us back to the humanity of this experience, and then expresses kindness toward ourselves. Through self compassion, we learn a new way to respond to shame. We start to challenge the idea that our shame is giving us a clear picture of ourselves. We replace criticism with kindness. Self compassion gives us our choice back.
Here’s the alternative truth of the moment: No one is getting this exactly right because none of us have had an experience like this before. We are going through a collective trauma. Everyone is going to cope with it differently. We’re all trying to do the best we can to survive, care for ourselves, and care for those around us. Remembering this truth can challenge shame’s story and allow us to bring in self compassion by giving ourselves grace.
How to Practice Self Compassion (modified from Kristen Neff)
Name the shame and hurt
There is power in naming our experience. It takes the shame out of the shadows and shame cannot survive in the light. Tell yourself or a trusted friend.
“This sucks.”
“This is a disappointment.”
“I’m sad this has caused me to miss ….”
“I’m scared.”
“I feel like I’m failing my kids.”
Recognize that shame is universal
Shame thrives in disconnection. Shame wants you to believe that you are the only one with these worries or feelings. Self compassion helps us recognize that we are all feeling this.
“I’m not alone in this.”
“There are other people that feel this way.”
“There’s someone in Canada/Italy/Egypt that feels this same way right now.”
“We’re all trying to do the best we can.”
Express kindness toward yourself
Self compassion gives us the choice of responding kindly to our pain.
“I’m doing my best and that is good.”
“May I be patient with myself?”
“”What do I need to hear from myself right now?”
“May I be kind to myself in this moment?”
“May I eat that extra piece of cake/watch that extra episode/sleep that extra hour?”
This is all new territory for us. We’re going to feel like we’re not doing it right or that we aren’t enough, but we are. We are going to get through this and this is not how things will always be. You have resilience and internal coping skills that you’re already using.
If you need support in this time, whether to process through these shame messages, practice self compassion, or manage your stress, Whole Self Counseling GR is here to support you. Therapy can be a great way to speak shame in a safe way.